I failed all my 2020 goals – or did I?

i felt like a failure

I was looking through Evernote for something this morning and I stumbled on my goals for last year, written from the perspective of being at the end of 2020, having reached them all, and celebrating that.

At first as I read them, I felt like a failure.. I didn’t hit any of my financial goals for the year, I didn’t grow my business like I wanted to, and so I hadn’t had the financing I needed for [what I thought was] my main personal goal either.

But then, I took a look at one little line right in the middle of all these “failures” and I realised that the problem with most of my goals, was that they were the “how”.

The line I read described how reaching this financial goal meant that, in my relationship, “I wouldn’t feel worried if…” and “..sink under the uncertainty of..”.


the “cursed hows”

I’ve been strongly influenced by Mike Dooley’s teachings over the years, and I do know that the “cursed hows” aren’t my domain when it comes to manifestation, and it’s my job to focus on my heart’s needs and dreams, and to take inspired actions in baby steps along the way. It’s the Field or the Universe or God or whatever you call it that takes care of the “how”.

So, in hindsight, I can clearly see that my 2020 goals were really “the cursed hows” and not my heart’s truest needs at all. And hidden, right amongst all of those “hows”, was my one real driving motivation for the year.

Wanting to feel safe, certain, capable, and for my relationship to feel like a sanctuary that lifts me up. I wanted ease and abundance. And to feel lit up in all that I did.

I’m pausing right now to send some deep compassion and love back to the me standing at the start of 2020.

Healing isn’t a linear process, we cycle and spiral back over the same material many times in many different ways as we move through life. Knowing that and being kind to ourselves as we deal with the big themes and deep wounds of our lives (even if over and over) is essential to truly heal and become who we truly are.


deep healing

A few years before, at the start of 2018, my word for the year had been “Stability” because my relationship with Jol was by far one of the most destabilising forces in my life. Full of love and desire and growth, but also, horribly destabilising.

Our dynamic constantly undermined me and though I had worked on so many aspects of it, his withdrawing without warning, disappearing for days or weeks at a time to his own place, and some of the hurtful things he’d do or say, still elicited such a strong reaction in me, that I was often derailed, emotionally dysregulated, and lost my mojo to be able to work in my business or on my art, or show up with my children, in the ways I really value.

Over the course of 2018, I worked deep and healed subconscious traumas that kept me in this pattern. I did other intense personal development work so that I could become less reactive, and way more stable while keeping my heart open. I made my boundaries stronger, healthier, and about me and what I wanted and not about him and what he was doing or not. And, by the end of 2018, I had a stability, especially emotional stability, that I never imagined was possible, having never really experienced it like this before. It’s one of the themes I plan to cover in my courses this coming year, because I feel it’s just so vital!


more to be done

But there were still some things he did that triggered feelings of insecurity or uncertainty in me. And in hindsight, most of my so-called “failed” goals for 2020 were directed by these fears and how to avoid them.

What happened instead of achieving those outer goals, is that I kept doing my inner work and showing up in my relationship in new ways and with new skills that I was working on all the time:

  • 💙  Jol and I kept communicating more and more clearly, in ways we each can hear and act on.
    💙  We shone a light on our shadows as they started to wriggle around and demand attention, so that we could see them clearly instead of letting them act out from below our awareness.
    💙  And then we made conscious decisions to face them and transform them.
    💙  We re-parented ourselves over and over.
    💙  And we both uplevelled our bioenergetic work, healing deeply, shifting our energy so that we can create a future different from our past or present.


my true goals were a success

It’s been incredible. And now, as I re-read those goals, I see the complete and utter success of my goals. Well, my real goal. Achieved in a completely different way than I had mapped out at the start of the year with all those “failed” goals.

Along the way, I found that my one to one coaching was the deepest, most powerful, and thrilling it has ever been to facilitate. My methodology became clear. The results my clients experienced were beyond what I’d imagined (and fast!). And I finally put out my first group training (more of those to come!!).

Each of these are stellar goals that I didn’t know to set at the start of 2020, but, in hindsight, are everything I wanted.


goals and leaving room to be surprised

I’ll definitely be taking that awareness of what my true goals are and which ones might be “the cursed hows”, so that I can leave more room to be surprised and delighted by what’s actually possible in my life in 2021.

I’ll be tuning in more deeply now as I look forward, but also simply listening more intentfully to the call of my heart moment-by-moment.

It’s OK to have goals, despite the plethora of blog and social media posts now saying the opposite. In my business especially, they help me to stay focused on what needs doing – the detail of running a business isn’t my natural habitat, but giving my truest gifts is, and they seem to go hand in hand at the moment.

Understanding why I’m setting those goals, and then focusing my inner work on that, feels much more in alignment to me though. And I know, will be far more potent in the long run.

And I know that, sometimes, understanding what that is can only be seen in hindsight and I’m self-compassionate about that.. still, I’ll be on the lookout for these hidden gems from the start this year.


and you?

How about you?

As you move forward into the energy of 2021.. what’s feels truest for you?

✨  Do you have any goals for this year?
✨  Do they feel aligned with who you really are?
✨  Is your true motivation clear to you.. do you know why you want to achieve these things?


tell me more

I’d genuinely love to know.

You can comment below, or email me at natalie at lovesexspirit.com or through any of my social media accounts (tap icons at the bottom of this page).


my wish for you

Wishing you all the love and success and truest heart goals for 2021.

You can also tap here for my fullest wish to you, over on instagram.



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